Some of you may of known me before Him or maybe you know a little of my story. If not just know that I was a mess, even if it looked like I had it together at times, the inside was ugly. I was a lost soul. As a child I struggled with anxiety and hopelessness. I actually cut my wrists in the middle of class in 7^th grade. Life was just too much for me! In 8^th grade I started a new school and started smoking cigarettes and drinking. Before High school I had already tried a few drugs and I spent some of my freshman and maybe junior year in rehab. That year I had summer school to make up for the many classes I intentionally failed. I don’t remember much but I do remember wondering how I made it to school every morning after such a crazy night of partying.  The rest of high school I spent mastering functioning at school and work while partying. Most of my senior year I lived in my car and here and there and anywhere. The only reason I even graduated was because of my 3 classes I had all A’s and my teachers liked me so they excused 20+ unexcused absents so I could graduate. In my late teens and early 20’s I spent most of the time at the bars and trying to fill a hole inside me.

I didn’t start looking for Him until well after I became a mom and it took some time for Him to soften my heart. Why? Because I thought He was a judgmental mean rule maker in the sky that was out to make me feel guilty and ruin all the fun in the world. Even after seeing people that seemed to live differently and have it all together. When I finally realized I was loved by this God I never had gotten the time to know. And I saw I couldn’t do it on my own I got baptized and decided that life with Him is better. It felt so right but I still had no idea what that meant. I still struggled through my days but slowly I started to talk to Him, well at first it sounded a lot more like yelling and complaining. Then after awhile I listened a little and started reading His Word. The more time I spent with Him the more life started to make sense. It didn’t happen overnight but slowly I began to lean on Him and I started noticing my my life changing. I began to feel His love and His presence. It’s funny because I remember 10+ years ago praying that I had 4-5 kids and lived in a house with a big front porch, that was before I was baptized and not even sure I believed. In my mind a front porch for some reason signified a warm welcoming, a secure home with a loving family. The reason I have this life is because of Him. The reason I can do what I do and be who I am is all Him! Now don’t get me wrong my life is far from perfect. I don’t always have it all together!  He is still shaving off my rough spots and probably always will be but I could of never even dreamed this life up for myself. When you give it all to God you ask Him to bring you from point A to point B and he brings you to C. A place better than you could of ever imagined.  And I have Him to thank for it all. I wouldn’t be who I am today without Jesus and the closer I am to Him the more peace there is in my soul. Years ago I would of thought that sounded stupid, except there was a little part of me that wondered what does Peace in your Soul feel like? Talk to Him and you’ll find out 😉

When I look back at my life it is so surreal to me now, most of it feels like I’m talking about someone I knew a long time ago or a lifetime ago. It just feels so far away, I no longer feel emotionally attached or burdened by it. For a longtime I felt broken and I think the only thing that held me together was my habits and crutches. Half the time I was mad at God for my life and the other half of the time I didn’t believe he existed.

I had heard about God’s healing grace but I never thought much of it, it kinda sounded like a cliché or something people just say.  At the time I didn’t know it but as I look back at my journey I see the correlation between the time I finally opened my heart to Jesus and when the pieces of my brokenness began to heal and he started to transform me into the person he has designed me to be.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

I used to think that would be a boring person who follows all the rules and feels guilty about everything.

But what God wants for my life is really greater than anything I could have ever imagined.

And while I still have a long way to go I can honestly say I have a sense of peace and contentment that I never knew without him. I’m starting to feel freedom from the guilt that used to tear me down. I feel an excitement and boldness within me to follow him, show others his Love and to make a difference in his name. I look at my life here with all the blessings and hardships and I am overfilled with gratefulness.  I still have bad days and if I have been far from Him the day doesn’t look pretty. I may raise my voice, get upset about the little things or just feel defeated. But if I have prayed and spent time reading his word, there is an unshakable Joy that gets me through the day. Through him I am able to Love more and give Grace more and have Peace.

Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength”

I can’t imagine my life without Jesus as my Lord and Savior!

Do you remember when I started a blog??? Yea… me neither, I had to look back on my Facebook posts just to remember the name of it. Has it really been over a year!?! I keep thinking about this blog and putting it off, what is it about being vulnerable that makes it soo easy to find excuses?

Anyway, today marks 2 years since the twins were born! It has been a busy two years we’ve moved out to the country, moved my Grandma in with us and started Kidz On Mission. Aside from the chaos and exhaustion of our new life we have so much to be celebrate.

The twins are our Rainbow babies, my sweet little blessings. Before I got pregnant with them we lost a baby. The day I won’t ever forget. We went into our appt. excited to find out the gender and instead they found a rare abnormality and told us our baby was at the end stages of heart failure, that night I felt the baby move for the first time. The next few weeks were a blur, I was so heartbroken but more than ever I felt God’s presence and comfort, I couldn’t explain it but I just knew everything was going to be ok. I trusted God was still in control, he didn’t take my baby and he would use this for my good.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

About a year later we found out we were having twins, to say we were shocked is an understatement. They don’t run in our family, and with one ovary I’m lucky to even get pregnant let alone with two babies. Still I was a little afraid to get excited after going through 2 miscarriages and it didn’t help that the Doctors treat multiples as high risk. But 38 weeks later out came two healthy baby boys. There has been some rough times but everyday I am so blessed to have these two smiling faces follow me around all day. So Happy Birthday to my handsome, loving little guys that make me smile and laugh all day! I know you are a gift from God and you have healed my heart.

Throughout my life I have craved something, chased something. It was always different. it was a successful career, a good marriage, being a good mom, being organized, having a healthy lifestyle. At times it consumes me. In the past I could see this craving in the form of different addictions. One addiction that really had a hold on me was cigarettes.

I started smoking around 12 years old. My parents smoked, my friends smoked. It was the “cool” and grown up thing to do I thought. (Even though a few years prior I remember hiding my parents cigarettes to try and make them quit, so naïve) Anyways, I think I first tried to quit around 17 yeas old. I was hooked! Even after quitting during pregnancies I still ended up starting again. Smoking was like my best friend, the one thing that had always been there for me when no one else was. When I became a mom smoking made me feel even more guilty, I was a total closet smoker, I didn’t like smoking in front of people that didn’t smoke and I hid it from most people. I went to some ridiculously great lengths to smoke without people knowing. Including my kids, I still don’t know how I managed to smoke a pack a day without my kids seeing me. I tried quitting so many times I lost count. I used the patch, the gum, hypnosis, acculaser, prescriptions, apps, books. I was a professional quitter! Every time I tried I was angry and anxious, I cried, I yelled, I was a mess! At one point I was so depressed and ashamed as a closet smoker it really started to hinder my life. Smoking was my number one it came before my family and God. It stopped me from doing things, because if I go there how will I smoke?  I didn’t know how to stop.

I happened to come across this bible verse.

Mark 11:24  Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours

Shortly before this I remember thinking that I wasn’t entirely sure how true the bible was I mean it’s nice but how much is actually legit or is it just some nice stories? Is it really God’s word or just written by some people a long time ago? I really wanted to believe but logically I couldn’t swing it in my head. God somehow always knows when his children are questioning him, I “just happen” to come across this sermon…Top Ten Reasons We Know the New Testament is True So with a new outlook on the bible (that I had barely read.) I thought ok, well it sounds like God wants what’s best for us and I’ve tried everything else so why not? So without any patch or gum I prayed and did all I could to believe. God, I cannot do this! Only you can do this, please help me!

This was the first I ever quit permanently and with a smile and excitement, it’s been 3 years. I haven’t missed it for a day. I finally felt free and it was the most amazing feeling! Now when life gets hard I go to him and while he doesn’t always take away the pain I can feel peace in the midst of the chaos.

And then we had twins… (I’ll have to get to that story at a later date) What a whirlwind the last couple months have been. I feel like the luckiest Mama in the whole world! I Love these sweet little faces looking up at me!!

I want to thank everyone that has taken the time to read this blog and commented here or on Facebook. You have all really encouraged me. As I had said I really never wanted to write a blog and I had a lot of fear about opening up. You all made it worth it. Thank you!

Ok Where did I leave off…

In August of 2010, we were blessed with another beautiful baby boy and we spent most of the year hanging out with the boys and trying to sleep. We were going to church out in Minooka at The Village Christian Church.  It was far from us but we love the people there and it is a comfortable & laid back kinda church so we went as often as we could. The Spring of 2011 we had the boys dedication ceremony. For those of you that don’t know what that means, in a nut shell we committed to raising them to follow Jesus and to teach them the bible. I’m not really sure I knew at the time how to do that or what that really meant. I went to church and I liked it, I prayed sometimes but I wasn’t sure if I was even doing it right and I didn’t know if I really loved Jesus. I mean he’s cool and I was thankful he died on the cross for us. But, In my heart I didn’t really understand, I didn’t know God. And I was seriously intimidated to crack open a bible. At a christian church it is common towards the end of a sermon a pastor will ask if anyone that has not accepted Jesus as their savior to repeat after him and accept him into your life. For a long time, every time I went to church I would say those words over again in my head. I was never really sure I had done it. I felt like if my life didn’t look Christian than I must not be christian. It made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be saved, was I doing it for God? How do you do things for God? Was I just faking it? I don’t want to be faking it. I needed to try harder to be good enough, right?!?

Meanwhile, for months our neighbors were inviting us to their church in Orland Park and we kept declining. We all really liked our church I was happy there and I was afraid if we didn’t like it I wouldn’t know what to say to them. But they kept persisting so finally on Easter with a plethora of services to choose from we couldn’t keep making excuses. So we went to Parkview and Pastor Tim preached on “How Good is Good Enough?”  It answered so many questions. Jesus died for me and I am forgiven. I don’t have to do anything to be a christian other than believe in Jesus. I know now that by doing that there is a desire put into my heart to follow him. It makes me see that the “rules” from God are really there to help me have my best life. And that if I seek him (by praying and reading his word- the bible) he will change my heart, heal my brokeness and my life by default will change.

Towards the end of Spring we started to feel like…. Maybe we should be married? I always knew we would get married at some point but maybe it’s time.  I never thought much of it before, lots of people have kids before they get married. Lots of people never get married. The bible says you should be married before you have sex…. I obviously didn’t grow up believing that was true. So why does it matter now? I can’t go back and change the past. And I didn’t want to, I would miss out on my two boys.  I thought about all the consequences that in general can come from premarital sex (abortions, unwanted pregnancies, single parents, sexually transmitted diseases) It made me think… what are my personal consequences from premarital sex? I know there are some times that I am really grateful that I don’t have a very good memory. How would life look different if we had waited? Maybe we would have a stronger, more intimate connection?  I started wondering why God created sex to be only for marriage. Why does he give us all the commandments? Rules? I’ve always hated rules. Never followed them well. In my mind, Rules=Guilt. But if we followed this one rule I wondered if it would have saved us some heart ache, some trouble. I like the way Jarrid Wilson explains it here.

We got engaged and started planning.  On 11/11/11 we got married.

It felt like everything was falling into place. Have you ever heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs ? Looking back that is the process I went through. When I was alone back at my apartment I was struggling just to make rent and get food on the table for my little man. I felt lost, alone and I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. When we moved in with Jay, I finally felt safe. When we got married I felt loved and that sense of belonging. Life was starting to look like what I never expected it could. I was happily married, I was the Vice President of the PTO, (If you knew me when I was my younger rebel self, ditching school every other day you’d know this is SHOCKING) a volunteer coordinator, one night a month at the homeless shelter.  I had totally become a “Pinterest mom” – Mastering birthday parties, Christmas Cookies and DIY’s.  Then we bought a minivan… (I swore it would never happen, I was so sad I wouldn’t even go to the dealership with him to pick it out.) A few days later I loved it. I was an official soccer mom! I made it right? Success! But inside something still felt wrong… I still felt not good enough. Like there was a side of myself I was hiding…  A deep dark past lingering around every corner telling me I couldn’t be this person. What was I missing? Why was I not 100% fulfilled?

My Story…..

I think it started sometime in 2005. In April I was blessed with a wonderful baby boy. I was excited, I had always wanted to be a mom and after a miscarriage the year before this was a very happy time.   The high faded fast with midnight feedings, lack of sleep and all the stresses of being a new mom. I remember looking at my life and thinking, So I’m here… Have I arrived? This is it… What I’ve been waiting for? This isn’t quite what I had envisioned. Is it hormones? sleep deprivation?  Where’s the “white picket fence”? I’m here but life doesn’t look like what I was expecting, it’s not what I thought it would be, I’m not who I thought I would be.

It’s OK, I can fix this! Right?!?

I spent the next couple years engorging every self-help book I could get my hands on. Making goals… Falling short. Challenging my thoughts, trying out churches, attempting to change me, my life, my husband. I was drowning! Why isn’t this working like it does in the books I read? What am I doing wrong?

At the end of 2007 I started working from home with a company called Melaleuca. It was a great opportunity to make extra money referring people to an online wellness store. (Sneak Peak- It was not for me! But if you like talking to people I will get you in touch with some super amazing and really successful women that can help you) I loved Melaleuca, and even more than that I loved the team of people it brought into my life! I was so blessed to have met these awesome, God loving women. They made me feel so loved and I really looked upto them! Over the next year I learned a-lot, about myself, about life and how to get to where I wanted to be. I wasn’t even totally sure where that was yet but, it was forming in my mind, that 2.0 life. That life in which you can finally exhale and know everything is going to be ok, where there is peace and joy. Where I felt worthy, accepted and loved.

In September of 2008 I left my husband. I think it will always be hard to say those words. That was the hardest day of my life. Here I am a stay at home mom, with an almost non-existent income and a three year old. I had no idea what the future would hold, I cried for weeks. Luckily I had an amazing friend that took us in and let us stay with their family for a few months. Together we worked our Melaleuca business and I started going to church with her and some of the other girls on our team.

In November I made the decision to get baptized. I was ready! Ready for a new life, a new start. A Clean Slate! That day was like a dream. I remember feeling weightless and joyful. And Loved, so so Loved! Everytime I think of that team, those amazing God Loving Women it brings tears to my eyes. I can’t put into words the ways they have helped me, they truly changed my life. Thank You!

The high faded as reality hit me like a ton of bricks! Where was I going to live?  How was I going to support my son? I finally got a job, as a cocktail waitress at a bar I used to work at. (Perfect idea- get baptized, go work at a bar.) It didn’t take long for that life to take hold of me. The next few months were a blur. The demons of my past were engulfing me. Memories… Traumatic memories of a lifetime. Memories I thought I had forgotten, taken care of, gotten over, they crept in and took over. Memories of Pure chaos, abuse, hard hurtful moments, drugs, sex, bad bad things.  Let’s just say I was broken. A lifetime built up of broken-ness that was now raging in my soul. Those lonely nights when there was no one to go home to, no son, no husband. So at night I numbed the pain, choked down the fear, I looked for love in all the wrong places. Then during the day I struggled as a broke single mom, looking hopelessly for a better job and trying to help my little boy be ok with his new, unstable life.

Until one day I burst. I remember sitting in my car outside of a party and balling my eyes out so hard I could barely breathe. HOW did I get here? How does my life look like this? This is wrong! All Wrong! This isn’t me, there MUST be some mistake!!

The next few days I was in a rage! WHY? Blasting the music, flying down the street, driving, just driving… Yeling at God at the top of my lungs! Why me? All my life has been filled with hurt and suffering. If you are so in control of everything then WHY would you do this to me? What did I do wrong to deserve this? That was a turning point.

I went back to my self help books and thought about all I had learned in the last couple years. “Wait! I think I might know how to do this!” I can’t change the past, I can learn from it and then I need to let it go. I need to focus on the future, I can change the future. I need to take full responsibility for me and my life now. That’s it!! I can do this! (Little did I know at the time that God was walking along side of me leading me on this new path)

It Doesn’t Happen Overnight

As a man thinketh, so is he.   Proverbs 23:7

”Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” – Henry Ford

“Things do not change, we change. ” ~Henry David Thoreau

“Our Attitude towards life determines life’s attitude towards us.”  ~ John N. Mitchell

Don’t wish for things to be easier, wish to Be Better, Don’t wish for less problems, wish for more skills. ~Jim Rohn

I spent my days working hard towards finding a new job, but with a new attitude and a new outlook.  I started working on my thinking, feeding the positive thoughts and starving the negative ones.  Breaking away from my habits that were getting me nowhere. For the first time I started to pray and I asked God for help.  I wasn’t sure what it would do but I figured it couldn’t hurt. I focused on what I could do, who I could help.  I had started a few months prior helping out coordinating a night a month at a homeless shelter, that really helped me to see all I had to be grateful for. Each time I felt hopeless or frustrated I counted my blessings. Listing all the things I was thankful for. The sun shining through the trees on a summer afternoon. Anything I could think of.  I day dreamed and hoped for all the things I ever really wanted in life. I worked on seeing what all I could have done differently in the past so I could see what I could work on in the future. I realized I was responsible for more than I wanted to admit. I started in the direction to become the person that would live the life that I wanted.  The end of July of 2009 things started to turn around….

This requires a little background info… In my freshman year of high school I was sitting in the underground track during gym and in the weight room Someone stood out to me.  He had long brown hair that flipped up on the bottom and green eyes.  There was just something different about him. It was the first time I really noticed a boy.  That night I remember having a dream about him, which was really weird because I had never had a dream where the people in it had a face that I could recognize. The rest of the year went by and I never saw him again. Sophomore year I was walking to lunch and there he was, I saw him, that same boy. My face immediately turned red as I scurried into the lunch room. I went home that day and looked for him in my yearbook. Joseph Marino.  I had a few friends over, one of them peeked over my shoulder, “Whatcha looking at?”.  “Eh just some guy I saw at school.” After some serious coercing I fessed up to thinking this boy was cute. “Oh that’s Jay” One of the guys said, “He’s in one of my classes.” I was a little embarrassed but I didn’t think much about it.  The next day my mom called for me, I had a phone call. “Janeen?” “yes” “Hi, it’s Jay Marino.” My heart must of jumped out of my chest and ran away because I could barely speak. Apparently my friend went to school that day with a picture of me and my phone number on the back and gave it to him. I could of killed him! I can barely remember the rest of that conversation but he told me to come find him tomorrow at school. So the next day, I saw him by his locker and literally walked all the way around the school to completely avoid it. He called me again that night, I was so embarrassed I could not walk up to him! The next day, same thing, I’m not doing it! His car was getting fixed or something but he said when he got it back he was going to come over. I didn’t know what to think my nerves were so shot! But on November 11th 1998 there he was at my door. My mom did most of the talking at first, then we went down to my room.  I remember sitting on my chest, my eyes wandering through the room looking at everything except him. Which he told me he thought was adorable. Barf! What was wrong with me? I have never been so stupid around a guy! It’s not like I hadn’t ever had a boyfriend. What is so different about this one?  We dated for a few years on and off during high school. I was convinced he was my soul mate! I had never felt a love like that before, I had never felt a security like that before. But eventually life got in the way, he was 2 years older than me so he was starting his career as I was finishing up school. He was stabilizing his life, becoming more responsible and I was about to be free to go wander the world! We relunctantly went our separate ways.  I had some updates through mutual friends here and there. I knew when he got married and we ran into each other a handful of times throughout the years. I always hoped for the best for him. Whenever I was in a relationship and things were going wrong I would compare it to the relationship I had with him. Nothing quite compared to that love, that understanding. So I was always looking for it. For a time I thought maybe he was the one. Then after a few run ins with him and his wife I thought he was a different person now. But I was grateful to have had that experience.

Back to 2009, I had gotten off work early on a friday night, which was really rare. A week or so earlier I had a voicemail from an old friend that lived in the city. Since I had gotten off early I thought I’d call him to see if he was in the area and wanted to meet up.  He happened to be at Jay’s house, he told me to drive towards him and call him on the way and we would pick somewhere to meet. When I called we couldn’t think of where to go so he told me to come to Jay’s house. It was fun seeing everyone again and hanging out. It wasn’t until the end of the night that I realized that he might be the same Jay I had fallen in love with all those years ago. The next day it felt like it was a dream, but that night he texted me.  We talked for hours on the phone the next day, catching up on life. And Over the next couple months we fell in love again.

Meanwhile I had gotten a part time office job at a wholesale insurance agency, with a promise if things went well that it would be full time. Then in November I got fired from the Bar for calling in sick one time. That was such a blessing in disguise! By Christmas we had decided to celebrate together with our families. And in January we found out I was pregnant. Things got a little rocky there for a minute, since things had moved so fast, and done things a little backwards we defnitely had some growing pains. But by February I had a full time job and we moved in together. Other than the hormones and nesting, life was good! It had so drastically changed direction I could barely recognize what life was just a few months prior. But I was safe, I wasn’t struggling to keep a roof over our head and food on the table, I wasn’t waking up at every rustle of leaves outside. I felt like I could be me and still be loved.

At the time I didn’t notice but when I look back I can see how God was leading us to each other, even at times when we were resisting he made sure we ended up together.